Knitting. What! There's Math? AKA. Swatching Sucks

Being thoroughly sick of making hats and scarves for gifts, I have decided to make a sweater for myself.   So...I'm sitting on the couch, swatching. Grumbling and cursing.  The Dumbplumber (my everlovin' sweetie of a husband) who rarely pays attention....I swear I could dye my hair green...but ....I digress......

He asks:  "What are you making"

"A swatch", I say or more correctly, bitch.

The knitters will understand and feel my pain.   Swatching is the bane of a knitter's existence and requires math.  (dun dun dun duuuunnn  scary music sound)   For those non-knitting people let me explain.   Swatching is when you knit a bunch of samples to find out if your knitting gauge and number of stitches will make your project be the right size.   Attempting to explain to The Dumbplumber, (ladies...don't attempt  this at home. Especially if you have both had a drink or two.)

Me explaining:  "You have a pattern like THIS one   ...that I plan to make.

There is a suggestion on the yarn, size of needles and the number of stitches per inch and the number of rows per inch.  If you can knit this gauge....you are in like Flynn (whatever that means).  If not. Then your sweater will fit Godzilla or your sweater will fit a midget, but certainly not YOU.

For example

1. The pattern calls for 20 stitches to equal 4 inches on size 7 needles

2. The pattern calls for 60 stitches for a particular piece: say a part of the front.  Then the piece should equal  60/20 = 3 units   So...then 3 units should be 3 x 4" =  a 12  inch piece

All well and good, until you substitute another yarn and when you take into consideration that each person has a different style and tension in knitting.   Also if you use a different yarn, it may not knit up the same.

For example:  If my gauge works out to  16 stitches = 4 inches then the piece will be much larger.  

60 stitches/16 stitches =  3.75 units    3.75 x 4 =  15 inch piece.  

THREE inches too big on just one piece!!   Multiply this effect over all of the other parts of the sweater and you have a gigantically larger than you want sweater.

Go the other way and assume you have MORE stitches per inch and then your sweater  will be tiny.  All that time you spent knitting will have been wasted.

The only way to know your gauge  is to make a swatch, which is to knit, in the pattern, a 4 x4 inch (at least) section.  Boooorrrring.  But what is worse is to not make a swatches and make a sweater that no one born on this Earth can wear.  If you don't swatch you will be wasting hours upon hours of time. Even though this is boring beyond belief, it's better than not doing it.   And so on."  

Until the Dumbplumber's eyes begin to roll backwards in his head.

Dumbplumber having listened to all of this above reasoning (or rather bitching)

Asks: " So what do you do with this stuff you are knitting now?"

"I tear it up and roll it back into a ball", I say.

Staring at me in disbelief......"You are f***ing nuts.", says he.

I can't disagree.

Proof: No one is serious about the Green Movement

The "Greenies" is my name for the eco-nazis who want to save the earth by limiting our consumption of water, energy, food, lightbulbs and just about everything else.   They want us to watch our carbon footprint and save the Earth.  They nag us about everything and won't be happy until we all are living in a Luddite world, huddling in the dark and chained to our hovels by high gasoline prices, high energy prices and eating sticks and twigs.

Well, I have proof that they are not serious.  That they are full of shit and don't really mean any of the things they tell us.  That they don't live by their own rules and did I already mention.....full of shit.

When you check into a motel or hotel, you are gently chided ....nagged at....to save the planet by conserving, turn off the lights, set the A/C at a higher temperature.  Hang up your towels and not have your sheets changed to save the water.  Don't take a long shower.  Don't let the water run when you are brushing your teeth.   Ok.  Not a problem.  I don't change my sheets daily at home anyway and I can use the same towel more than one time.

BUT....here is the proof that they don't really mean it and it is all just eyewash.  Proof that the Green Movement is all about controlling the proletariat and nothing about actually conserving or taking care of the environment.

A few days ago, The Dumbplumber, and I checked into a hotel we like to stay at for a little R&R.  It is next to a great steak house and we can have some cocktails, walk to the restaurant, have some more cocktails and not worry about driving or getting a DUI.

Coincidentally, we were booked into the very same room that we had 3 months before.  The same room that we complained about the toilet tank leaking through the flapper all  the time.  About every 5 to 7 minutes a gallon or so of water would leak and the tank would turn on.  Wooosh.   The Dumbplumber being an actual.....wait for it.....PLUMBER, informed them at the desk of the leakage and that a $4 flapper would fix the problem.

Did they fix it....HELL NO.  Again.  Water wooshing all night long, every 5 to 7 minutes.  Dumbplumber finally got up and turned off the water supply and in the morning the tank was bone dry.  So....not only is this annoying, we got to thinking about the amount of wasted water running down the sewers.   I'm all about conserving and not wasting, but I'm not making a religion of it like the Greenies.

Here's the math. 

24 hours a day X 60 minutes =  1440 minutes
1440 minutes / 5 minutes =  288  gallons of water down the toilet in one day
288 gallons X 365 days a year = 105,120 gallons a year

105,120 gallons x 10 (at least) other leaky toilets in this hotel = 1,051,200

Over a million gallons a year in just this ONE hotel.   There are probably at least 10 other hotels losing similar amounts of water so now we have 10.5 MILLON gallons of wasted water. 

So.....Not only are they wasting enormous amounts of water, the water bills must be enormous as well and the costs are passed onto the hotel patrons. If they were really serious about the crap they lecture us about, they would have taken the Dumbplumber's advice in the first place and fixed their leaking toilets. 

When the Al Gores of the world downsize their houses, quit flying around in personal jets.  When the Michelle Obamas of the world start eating what they expect us to eat and stop flying around in huge jets at OUR expense.  Then I might consider taking their advice.   But, THEY aren't serious and we can't take them seriously either until they start acting like it.
 

Defending Paula Deen

Big news!!!!  Earth shattering in fact....evidently, if you consider the amount coverage that this has been getting.  More important than the kudzu of deficits that are swallowing the earth's economies.  More devastating than Obama's gun running scheme. Fast and Furious.   Bigger than....well, you get the gist.

Paula Deen, the queen of butter and Southern Style comfort food, has diabetes and the food police are doing a happy happy joy dance.  AHA!!! That's what she gets for forcing all of her viewers to eat red velvet cake, fried chicken with gravy, macaroni and cheese and other such items that the food Nazi's despise.   

Serves her right!!  Right?  Right??  No.  Wrong.

People are attacking Deen because she has diabetes, has continued with her show and is now endorsing a diabetes drug.   "Anthony Bourdain is .....mocking the butter-loving chef for poisoning Americans with unhealthy food ... and now trying to profit off of their illness."

She is POISONING us!!!  OMG!!!!.  Run for the hills.  Be sure to dodge all those buttermilk biscuits, hams and sweet potato casseroles while you are making your dash to safety.

In defense of Paula Deen.   Come on people! it is just a cooking show.  Not a diet plan.  She is showing you how to prepare certain dishes that are the hallmarks of a certain cooking style.   Nowhere and at no time does she say that you should eat all of these things every day, three times a day.    

If you don't have the common sense or self control to eat sensibly...well, I don't know what to tell you.   Maybe you shouldn't be allowed outside and you should let other people make your decisions for you.   Oh.....wait.....that is just what the Food Nazi's want to do.

They want to control every aspect of your culinary life by eliminating ingredients. Demonizing certain foods and certain companies that provide food.  Can we all say McDonald's....hmmmm?   The want to force their ideas of diet and food upon you.  

Now, I don't think you SHOULD eat a pound of butter or stuff your pie hole with pie until you are fat and diabetic.  But, it should be your choice.  Go ahead. Eat your life away.  

It should also be my choice, our choice to not have to pay for your self inflicted health condidtion.  This is why I strongly object to Obama Care and Socialized Medicine.  But.....that is a rant for another day.

Let me make a disclaimer.  The Dumbplumber (my hubby) has Type 2 diabetes.  It runs in his family and he was diagnosed about 10 years ago.  We didn't know much about being diabetic.  We had to research and learn how to live.  So, I know what it is like to change your life, change your diet and be aware of what you are eating. at all times.  It is hard. It isn't always fun.

The keys to controlling diabetes are diet and exercise.  His condition is controlled by this and a minimal dose of oral medication.  Does this mean that we will never be able to enjoy a piece of cake or a favorite comfort food ever again?    Do we have to wear a dietary hair shirt and eat tofu daily?  

Of course not. 

I post many recipes on my cooking site [Recipe Junkie] that are certainly high fat, high sugar and would throw The Dumbplumber into a diabetic spiral if he ate them all at one time or more than just occasionally.   Leave Paula Deen alone.  She not only shows us how to make good food, she can now serve as an example on how to live a good life with diabetes.

We have learned that you CAN have your cake and eat it too.   Just in moderation.

Reading My Husband's Mind

Soooo.  The other day the Dumbplumber pipes up and says something like.  "He told me the other day that he would be able to have me over tomorrow to do that thing."

I'm thinking to myself, who is "he" and what "thing"?  My husband is always thinking and then just jumps right into the middle of the conversation without any preamble or context.   It comes from having a busy mind and being preoccupied, but damn! it is frustrating.

I said--(snarkily)------> "You know, we have been married now for 18 years and I still haven't quite gotten that mind reading thingy down pat yet."

He said:   "Well, it is easy.  Here let me give you some clues
.    
...humina, humina, humina.....TITS


..humina, humina, humina.....BEER


..humina, humina, humina.....TITS


..humina, humina, humina.....HOT RODS


..humina, humina, humina.....SEX


..humina, humina, humina.....SCOTCH


..humina, humina, humina.....FOOD  oh ..... and TITS


See...it IS easy to read my mind."

Oooookaaay.   Thanks for the clues.

He also said: "If you don't post this you don't have a hair on your ass."


Well, I don't have a hairy butt, but here is the post.

Who makes me laugh and smile every day.   Dumbplumber...that's who.

How Quickly It Turns: the weather I mean

Just a couple of days ago I was able to sit on the deck in the afternoon and sip a glass of wine in the sun in these fabulous Indian Summer Autumn days.  Waiting for the leaves to really begin falling so that we can rake and burn.  Suddenly, the weather has turned into our normal October/November fare.  Cold, windy, rainy and snowing this evening.

Sadly, I think I have missed the optimal rake and burn cycle, yet again on the leaves.  Just like last year we will have mounds of soggy leaves that can't be burned or that will create smudgy pillars of smoke. Ah well, compost material.

When the weather turns, so do my thoughts of cooking turn to warming meals. Long cooking stews, soups and casseroles.  So, while The Dumbplumber is napping after being out in the cold all day long; winterizing homes so they won't have broken pipes next spring,  I'm making Clam Chowder.  (check out the recipe on my Recipe Junkie blog) and will try to finish the next Chemo hat that I'm knitting for my friend.

I think that I'm really getting the hang of this retirement stuff.

The Bigfoot of Cats

(Post written by my husband the Dumbplumber)

The tenth anniversary of finishing our new home also marks the arrival of a tiny kitten. Wifey and I have made a profound discovery. Many have been to our home, but other than ourselves less than five other people have ever seen our cat, our neighbor excluded. (He caught her twice in a live trap)

We don’t have a lot of visitors, but those that do come by only hear stories about the schizophrenic cat because she never reveals herself to others. And of those that have seen her, none have ever touched her or been within reach to do so. We did have one visitor about five years ago, my former grade school teacher, that actually had dinner with us and watched the cat casually stroll across the living room. We would like to use his confirmation as evidence of her existence , however, he took his testimony to the grave two years after his visit. It has become such a joke over the last ten years: Fewer people have seen our cat than have seen Bigfoot.

When we say it’s our cat, we really don’t mean it. She trained us to feed her ten years ago, never left, and has taught us to do many more things for her since. We actually thought about posting a story about the cat on our blogs with photos of the cat’s favorite resting spots, one near the dining table window,  another near the office window, another on the railing sheltered by a wild plum tree and of course the one on the bed. However, these photos would be much like those of the places Bigfoot was spotted, but instead of footprints, we only have cat hair to mark as evidence.

Office window spying on the quail.

We could also do a time lapse photo of her food bowl, slowly diminishing, but you would be confused that the water does not. That is because she prefers either the toilet bowl or her favorite larva infested stagnant pool outside in the garden bowls left for our local birds and other wildlife.

Sparky's afghan on the bed

And speaking of birds, we are left with much evidence of breakfast birds, lunch birds and the occasional afternoon ‘snack’ bird parts littering our yard and deck area. No, she is not a neat cat.

However an argument can be made that it is the local foxes leaving their calling cards. But I maintain that foxes do not do their bird hunting during the daylight hours and they certainly don’t drag their feasts near our house for devouring. No, it’s the cat. It is our policy (due to the many predators here ‘bouts) that we leave the cat indoors when we leave overnight. We joke that she is stationed as a ‘guard cat’, and I must report that, over the past decade, nothing has gone missing with her on duty.


About our only complaint is that we receive little in return for providing food, water, shelter and security from the cat. Her interaction with us is minimal at best. She sleeps on the wife’s side of the bed, she allows very little petting (preferring to present her tail for stroking), passes infrequently over the sofa for the cursory touch, only lounges outside on the deck when we are there, as guards, and spends the entire day lurking outside, scouting hidey holes and available critters.

Favorite railing sunning spot

She will not come when called and prefers showing up for her four o’clock treat, somewhere between 3 and 5, depending on the time of year and accuracy of her fur covered kitty clock. Timing has never been her strong suit. But she is given credit for never having clawed, chewed or shredded the furniture. That, she saves for her personal pedestal which has been fashioned into an homage to Edgar Winter.

Shredded cat perch.

Overall I should not complain. Having never been a cat-person, I do appreciate her low maintenance, but live in wonder at how many 50lb bags of cat food has been consumed by our 4lb cat over the years. About the only thing she demands of me (since I refuse to acknowledge that she is my cat) is to open the back door, then close it, then open it, then close it, then open it, then…well, you get the idea.



And on this tenth anniversary of her arrival, I would be less than honest if I didn’t confess that on more than one occasion I have dreamt of the day when we would be cat-free. No cleaning the litter box, no vacuuming the cat hair, no lugging 40 lb. bags of Cat Chow out of Costco, no listening to the wifey’s daily, screeching/calling of the cat, which no doubt is enjoyed by neighbors on both sides. But on the bright side, her going missing, or worse, could be assuaged by popping the cork on a new bottle of 25 year old Single Malt and hailing a toast to one of the least troublesome intrusions ever into our lives.

Naked Knitting

So the other day, I'm finishing up this hat for the Dumbplumber and expounding to him on how to make decreases and why the colors seem to line up in these nifty stripes.

His response......"You know, husbands might be more interested in  knitting if you did it naked ....Nekid Knitting.....Just saying."

All righty then.    The Bare Nekid Ladies Knitting Club.!!!   I think it could take off and become a national movement.

And while I'm at it.

The Dumbplumber's baby photo

Awwww.  Wasn't he cute.  Still has that same sunny disposition (mostly) and sense of humor.